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Worthlessly Waiting

Starting point

I’ve had this blog set up for months, nearly a year now but I never knew how to start it. I would always think whats the best way to introduce my self, whats the best way to get this out there without anyone knowing who I am. And as I sit here, alive after trying to kill my self I realised its time. It doesn’t matter how I do it, it needs to be done. I am 19 years old, in my first year of university and I’ve been through a life time worth of pain. But I’m still here, still under God’s covering and I just wanted somewhere I can share my story. This blog is anonymous as there are a lot of elements to my story not even my family know. But if just one person can relate to even just one part of my story, and it helps keep them away from any of the pain I’ve been through then I guess I’ve done something right.

Life is full of crazy turns and they say life isn’t about finding yourself but creating yourself. But my question is, how do you create your self when life keeps beating you up. I’m not depressed or anything, I’ve just had enough. I’ve had enough of trusting the wrong people, being manipulated, people pretending they love you just to leave you. I’ve had enough of pretending to be someone I’m not. I’ve had enough of being a bitch and treating people way less than they deserve. I’ve had enough of all the lies. I’ve simply had enough.

This post probably doesn’t even make sense, but keep reading it will.

The reason I initially called this blog worthlessly waiting was because I set out on a journey of celibacy, but now I’m far from celibate, but still waiting, waiting to discover who I am, and how I can live in a world with so much pain and still keep a smile.

I am just an average, lost, black, trying to be christian girl, and this is my story, this is my journey of how I’ve ended up here in bed on the 3rd of May 2017 trying to drown my sorrows in wine, whilst attempting to overdose on contraceptive pills. But this isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning.

A xo

 

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